a facetious 2016 Christmas list from yours truly

...in order from most realistic to most "in your freaking dreams you crazy person."

1. this timeless and appropriate "Brunch Squad" sweatshirt, which I actually just ordered for myself from Old Navy...a steal at $25.

2. Drinking implements for festive events: for example, the "Chambong," which is LITERALLY A CHAMPAGNE BONG...or for those of us who can't get through a holiday sober (which is apparently the Schwegfam's M.O.), the "Santa's Flask" wine stocking

3. As my current iPhone 5 is missing texts on the regular and never seems to have enough storage, I'd like an upgrade to an iPhone 7, preferably accompanied by this glitter-filled, totally ridiculous Kate Spade case

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4. Tickets to the Metropolitan Opera's 50th anniversary gala in New York next May...featuring pretty much every major star currently singing in the opera world. While not necessarily realistic, it's not totally out of the question with seats going for around $200 on Seat Geek... 

5. While we're at it, let's take advantage of all the Trumpies "boycotting" "Hamilton" and snap up some fantastic seats to see it on Broadway, a steal of a deal starting at $500 (plus a non-essential organ, your first-born child and your soul). 

6. Since it's already basically our Cheers, where everybody knows your name, I'd like a regular Friday night reservation at Spoon and Stable, preferably at the chef's counter so I can actually become best friends with Gavin Kaysen and learn the secret of their divine pumpkin ravioli and flawless tamarind pork chop. 

7. I'm actually going to write Santa a letter to ask for this one, the item that I think should be topping every Irish fan's Christmas list this year: I'd like Brian Kelly fired, please, and (in my perfect fantasy Christmas world) replaced with Urban Meyer, who (duh) should be all about leaving Ohio State to come coach Notre Dame. In my perfect fantasy Christmas world. 

8. While we're discussing totally realistic things Lizzie should have, let's throw a goldendoodle puppy on the list. It can be best friends with Molly and I will die and go to cuteness heaven on a daily basis.

9. Since clearly I'm going to receive all of this and absolutely 0% of this list is rooted in fantasy or pipe dreams, I might as well go all-out and ask for the real cuddly life partner I'm wishing for: Prince Harry. He's already proven he's got a thing for brunette Americans with the whole Meghan Markle thing...but I think Kate and I would get along so much better. Plus, I bet he could get me "Hamilton" Broadway tickets...Harry, baby, call me. 

10. And to round out the list of everything I need in life to make me happy: a champagne button, and preferably an accompanying butler to deliver said champagne. It's already a thing at London's Bob Bob Ricard, and I think it definitely needs to cross the pond in time for 2017 and the impending Trump presidency/lunacy. Why don't we make it a two-for-one, actually, and just get me Prince Harry to deliver champagne at the press of my champagne button? 

Alright campers, get cracking! I'm sure if all of you pool your resources you can pull this off in time for 12/25. In the meantime, I'll be hanging out at my place in my brunch sweatshirt, drinking wine out of a plastic Christmas stocking...cheers! 

 

*All commentary in this post is, duh, no shit, facetious and 100% intended to amuse rather than to represent my actual Christmas list, you sillies.*