a breakthrough and a diatribe

I was texting a friend yesterday and got a little salty, which isn't like me (with this friend, anyway). After a few pointed comments (from me), he said something along the lines of "you're so nice all the time that it seems weird when you're direct." And I just kind of snapped a little bit because that's SUCH a true assessment of who I am. I am nice to people. I'm too nice to people, really, and that's an advantage until it starts being a drawback...and it's been a huge drawback the last couple weeks. 

I am generally a sunny-side-up kind of girl, and I pride myself on that. I was once told that my default setting was “homicidally perky and annoyingly optimistic.” That’s generally a good thing…it makes it much easier to deliver bad news at work or to manage a group, to control the energy in any room in a positive and effective way, and to bring others’ mood elevators up when they’re down (hi, Claire - like my unfreezing lingo?!). I value the ability to see a glass as half-full, especially when it’s half-full of champagne. And really, when all is said and done, it’s so inoffensive, so acceptable, so pleasant, to be thought of as “nice” or “kind” or “happy.”

 Along with possessing a generally positive demeanor, however, I remain acutely aware of when I am being taken advantage of or discounted. The past few weeks have been a uniquely hellish confluence of a super-packed social calendar, a lot of stress and very little appreciation at work, and a pervasive lack of sleep…factors that have combined into a bit of a maelstrom of discontent. Being who I am, I internalize so much of the pressure these factors create. I bite my tongue and smile, or avoid the unpleasant topics. I repeatedly insist that I’m fine, that everything is fine, that it’s really, truly, no bother, even if I’m seething inside or so tapped out emotionally and mentally that any reaction at all feels herculean.

I don’t really know what to do with this realization. The thought of making other people’s lives unpleasant, or of hurting others’ feelings or of being anything other than Pollyanna with an extra dose of sugar seems impossible. I am, after all, the girl who apologized to the other team on the soccer field as a child for stealing the ball. The girl who felt so awful about finally telling an asshole ex how she felt that she retracted every (very true and valid) statement, less than an hour later. The girl who would rather avoid conflict than stand up for herself, even when the stand is one worth making.

Nice litany of self-pity here, huh? Departure from the usual in thoughts as in blog as in life. I’m just a little sick of feeling like everyone sees me as one-dimensional, with that one dimension being “nice.” Nice is great and all, but nice is easily dismissed. And I don’t really know what to do about that, because it’s not like I have some bitch switch that I can suddenly flip to prove to everyone that I’m more than “nice.” I don’t really even know where I’m going with all of this…maybe just that I’m tired of being all sugar and no spice. 

A bunch of thoughts on non-profits, pride, and paying it forward

I purposely don’t talk too much about my job/career here. Working in accounting/finance/consulting, there’s a huge disparity between the very numbers-driven, quantitative aspects of my day job and my passions outside of work. There’s a certain element of protection in keeping my real-world job off this virtual-world web space…it’s nice to be private about things like what I do to earn my paychecks.

That said, it’s hard sometimes to know that what I’ve chosen to do for a living isn’t my passion. Don’t get me wrong, I am damn good at my job and have the title, resume and responsibility that reflects that. If a bystander were to ask me, however, who I am and what I’m about as a person, I would never say “Accounting, finance and operational consulting.” It’s what I do to enable me to enjoy the arts, the travel, the life I lead outside the office. Contrast that with, for example, my sister Emily, who has managed to translate her creative and artistic gift into a job that is truly a perfect reflection of who she is…a job that she’s excited to go to every day and fits completely with who she is as a person. Her career is a vocation – mine is, simply put, a job. A job that, frankly, I’ve been feeling pretty blah about lately.

What, then, is my vocation? Do I have one? Am I selling myself short in the name of stability and income? Am I selling out doing something I’m good at but don’t get fired up doing every day? Moreover, how do I gain that sense of having a vocation in my workday?

Even before I entered the workplace, I’ve had an intrinsic need to be involved in community service. I am self-aware enough to know that I have led a life of inimitable privilege. I’ve been surrounded with family, friends, teachers, and community mentors who believed in me, enough intelligence and ambition to take advantage of that support, and combinations of situational opportunity that have positioned me to succeed from an early age. Along the way, however, I’ve been endowed with the knowledge that not everyone is in the same boat, and have come to believe that the best way to show appreciation for all I’ve been given is to pay it forward.

From the point when I started at EY up through my current role at my company, I’ve done my best to use my professional career as a jumping-off point for philanthropic roles. At my current company, I was asked to take on a leadership role on their employee giving campaign before I had even experienced one. I’m now in my third year as, effectively, second-in-command on the campaign, and have seen campus participation and pledges skyrocket by over 25% in those three years. I additionally have a spot partnering with our company’s foundation, a huge honor and privilege this early in my career. Through that engagement, I’ve gained a seat on the board of the St. Paul Public Schools’ Academy of Finance, helping administer and support a business-focused curriculum for over 300 high-schoolers in the St. Paul school system. I worked with our EDGE intern program all summer, which provides scholarships and internship experience for college students from a traditionally disadvantaged background. Finally, I’ve been serving as the United Way’s Young Ambassador representative this year, working more closely than ever with an organization I love and respect deeply. Long story short, I’ve managed to build a robust and thriving portfolio of community engagement opportunities into my workdays, and it’s paying off in spades.

Yesterday my company kicked off our employee giving campaign with a new event for campus leadership, bringing more than 250 executives together for an hour-long presentation on this year’s campaign goals. We brought in Sarah Caruso, the CEO of the Greater Twin Cities United Way, along with a few venerated leaders from within our company, to speak on why giving matters and how we can give most efficaciously. I put in weeks of work behind the scenes with our committee to help make it happen, including hours outside the workday, and seeing it come together truly flawlessly was gratifying beyond measure.

We’re also working on an event for our Academy of Finance kids onsite at my company, to bring them together and run sessions on interview preparedness, professional resumes and cover letters, and email etiquette, which will take place in October. I’ve been able to connect executives within my company with the teachers at the schools involved, and am so excited to see the event unfold. Additionally, I facilitated a major donation of the furniture left over from our recent building move to one of our partner schools – a coup that will enable the refurbishment of multiple classrooms at the school.

All of this sounds really braggy, and I’m gagging on it a little bit because I’m not (always) one to talk my professional achievements up. But I’m really, really proud of what I’ve done in the last few weeks. It’s been hard to keep this all in perspective when I’ve been running around like an insane person, never really able to see the forest for the trees, and feeling like I’m burning everyend of every candle I’ve got without anyone really noticing or caring. A little positive feedback goes a long way, though, and I’ve gotten that payback in spades from people I respect deeply in the last couple days.

Bringing it all home…as part of our session with leadership yesterday, each member of our employee giving committee had to pick three words that summed up why he or she cared about volunteering. Many committee members have personal stories of impact gained over their lives, or of situations in which they’ve received a helping hand. I had a really hard time thinking of something equivalent in a life that has contained very little hardship, but ultimately came back to “paying it forward.” I’m immensely gratified and galvanized by the way I’ve been able to pay my own good fortune forward through philanthropy, and look forward to being able to continue to grow that involvement as I go forward in my career. So there you have it, I guess…a long, meandering essay about why, although crunching numbers may be my job, I still feel like I’ve somehow found a vocation in the corporate world. 

moving dazed/hamilton crazed

Hi.

I'm going a little bit insane this week. Really, I've been going a little bit insane for close to a month now. I wrote at the beginning of the year about how I wanted to say yes to everything, wanted my life to feel full and rich and varied, and that resolution is being realized with a vengeance. I'm exhausted. 

Last weekend we celebrated Jonathan's graduation, and I can't wait to share photos and stories from the weekend. That said, I got home to Minneapolis on Tuesday and found myself facing down a three-day turnaround before, oh right, MOVING. I feel like a bit of a fool for being stressed, given I'm moving less than half a mile, but the logistics (and ensuing emotions) of packing up my favorite home have left me a little bit leveled.

For the last several weeks I've been sad and stressed and not sleeping well or really, at all (what else is new)...and I feel like I need a lifeline, or a day to just recover from the frenetic pace I'm setting for myself.  Between the first weekend of May and the first weekend of July, I haven't had/don't have a single weekend "off," and that in and of itself is enough to make me want to crawl into bed and bury my head under the covers and quietly groan a little. Everything coming up is spectacularly fun and exciting...weddings, parties, galas, oh and a trip to Europe (!)...but a BIG part of me wishes it was all going to be spectacularly fun and exciting and a little tiny bit more spaced out. 

I guess this is just the season of life I've created for myself right now...and I really, truly am loving it. 2016 is flying by, with all the highs and the lows and in-betweens a girl could possibly imagine, and I kind of feel at this point like I'm mostly along for the ride. A passenger on my own personal rollercoaster, to leverage a totally hackneyed cliché. I've been listening to "Hamilton" pretty much non-stop since Monday, and the number of lines that hit me directly in the heart is off the charts. This one in particular, from "Wait for It," is looping through my brain on repeat today: 

"I am the one thing in life I can control...I am inimitable, I am an original. I'm not falling behind or running late...I'm not standing still, I am lying in wait." 

It's Aaron Burr, overwhelmed and stressed out by his frenemy Alexander Hamilton's seemingly meteoric rise, and it's resonating with me hard this week. Expect a lot more "Hamilton"-life parallels, fyi - I'm hooked. 

So I'm going to grit my teeth and control myself and get shit done. Apologies in advance, it's going to be sparse these next couple days/weeks--send happy thoughts my way and if anyone has a burning desire to lift heavy boxes at any point, I can totally help you out! 

 

Octagenarian life advice.

I recently became best friends with Randy at the downtown Macy's shoe repair place. I had dropped off a beloved (but destroyed) pair of heels to have them re-soled and pegged before summer weddings, and Randy offered me life advice for a solid fifteen minutes or so both at drop-off and pickup. 

Not going to lie, last Friday I was in an absolutely stellar mood. I was running errands, chasing all over town and majorly getting things checked off an intimidatingly massive to-do list. Bridal shower invitations? Check. Dress to the tailor? Check. Returns and exchanges all over town? Check and check. It was sunny and warm after what felt like interminable weeks of rain, and I loved being out and about. I think that good mood carried over into the basement shoe repair place at Macy's...who knows? I chatted with Randy happily without even thinking about the remaining five items on my to-do list. 

I carry a red purse, a gift from my mom on my birthday this year, and for some reason that made Randy's day. He reached across the counter, grabbed both my hands in his, and said "It's an old piece of advice for true elegance that's fallen by the wayside...every truly fascinating woman should have a red purse, and a pair of red shoes. You're halfway there, my dear!" The twinkle in his eye was almost Santa-like in its beneficence...as if he had taught me the secret of life. I laughed, admitted that I do in fact own a pair of red heels, and you'd think I had given him some kind of gift. 

He continued: "I bet that's something your grandmother taught you, isn't it?"...and a tiny shiver ran up my back. As I've mentioned here a few times, my Grandma Lo was the epitome of what I have always thought of as elegance. Much more than simply matching her shoes to her bag, or wearing the right lipstick or perfume, her general grace and mostly-sunny outlook on life permeated everything around her in a way that imbued the whole world with a little extra sparkle. I told Randy that, and he smiled. 

"You, my dear, have it figured out. If you can smile like that through the years of cardboard shoes and synthetic leather, you'll find yourself feeling like diamonds and champagne even on the worst of days." 

And I couldn't help but smile, on that day that did feel so very diamonds-and-champagne good. Here's to red bags and red shoes and Randy, friends. 

Moving up, moving out, moving on

Hi friends. It’s been way too quiet around here for way too long and, for that, I apologize. In classic April fashion, things have been tumultuous and incredibly busy and transitional, and as we all know, I handle all of that extremely well. Ha!

For starters, the most exciting news: I got promoted! It was completely out of the blue, and I was, accordingly, totally unprepared. The promotion comes with a really cool expansion of my role into areas I’m very excited about – lots of working with new people, taking on extensive and high-profile leadership roles, and best of all, mentoring and working with interns and new hires in a way that I have always found enjoyable and deeply meaningful. Since I don’t talk a lot about my specific job or company here, that’s all I’ll share for now…but it’s been a true whirlwind and I’m finding my day-to-day so much more exciting and engaging than I have for a long time as a result.

Along with that promotion, my company offered me a spot on the board of a non-profit we’ve always extensively partnered with, and I’m completely in love. The program works in Twin Cities-area schools to help at-risk or traditionally disadvantaged students gain a strong foundation in the business world from day one of their freshman year of high school. Through the program, their curriculum offers them innumerable opportunities to engage with colleges and professional environments, ultimately leading to eventual scholarships, internship placements, and eventually (ideally!) job offers from companies like mine. I’ve only been on board for about a month now, but it’s been a huge eye opener to see what goes into serving on a board, both from an advisory and a practical standpoint.

And finally, in the most bittersweet and angst-causing revelation of all…I’m moving! To make a long and torturous story very short, my current corner penthouse apartment comes with corner penthouse apartment prices, and my lovely friend Hal is in a similar boat. We decided we were both tired of paying rent that makes our eyes water, and ended up making the decision to move in together to enable our champagne taste on a budget.

After a lot of frustration and drama (trying to move from a 1-bedroom to a 2-bedroom in my building, the whole process of lease-breaking, and of course apartment-hunting in general!), we decided on a gorgeous, character-filled building literally around the corner from my current Loring Park pad. Built a hundred years ago, the building has been fully renovated to beautiful, spacious, modern apartments while maintaining its original charm, and I’m obsessed, but also incredibly sad to say goodbye to the Chateau de Liz so much earlier than planned.

Bottom line: all this transition has left me reeling a bit! Then throw in the usual friend activities/relationship angst/general “omg I’m 27 what am I doing with my life” soliloquizing and you have me, retreating from the blog, trying hard to get myself back in check before I launch back into this space. That said, I’m feeling really good about a lot of things now and can’t wait to get back into my normal routine again…or to create a new normal that encompasses all these wonderful, exciting, terrifying changes.

Here’s to April, campers!