August sipped away...

…like a bottle of wine. Specifically like a dry, mineral Provençal rosé, which we loved on all summer but especially this August.

I think the pandemic has heightened my attention to the littlest details - maybe a way of grounding myself in the present, not obsessing over the future and getting in my head about the inevitable variables I (along with everyone else in the world) am facing. Some particularly August 2020 moments that stand out:

  • Cheap leather flip flops from Target - the broken-down straps across the top of my feet, rubbing at the innumerable mosquito bites endemic to the deepest part of Minnesota summer, slapping on concrete and sliding around, wet, on the dock.

  • the same five shirts, over and over, a pandemic wardrobe purchased in a panic after realizing that the clothes from my “weekend trip” in March wouldn’t suffice for a 90-degree summer.

  • The triple-knock of an incoming Slack message. The doorbell ding of someone joining one of the innumerable Zoom sessions that dominate my day. I find it fascinating that these tech giants have chosen such quotidian sounds of greeting - it highlights how blurred the lines have become between work and home, as if every time someone signs on to a meeting or contacts me, they’re inviting themselves into my home. It’s a bizarre conflation of environments that I don’t think I’ll ever really get used to.

  • Masks. The feeling of elastic snagging on my glasses or pulling at the backs of my ears, the way my butt-chin pulls them down when I laugh, the heat and fog of breathing through them. Realizing I have preferences - double-lined, filter, pleated, no nose wire - and unconsciously pairing certain patterns with certain of the aforementioned five shirts. The contempt of witnessing others blatantly flouting the mask rule - dangling from one’s ear by a strap, pulled down below the nose or under the chin, hanging from a wrist - realizing how rapidly I judge others, even in these most “uncertain of times.”

  • Bou’s joy and delight in being a Minnesota dog. The tip-tap of her race downstairs to say hi to Grandma and Grandpa every morning. The way her ears go back in pure pleasure at morning scratchies, strawberry tops, and peanut butter (hiding a daily allergy pill). The pull and prance of walks around Lake Harriet, as she peeks in every inlet to the water in search of ducks. The way she shadows my dad around the kitchen every night, waiting for her own small hamburger or little steak (she is the most spoiled, and they are the most in love).

  • Sunscreen - specifically my mom’s heavenly Neutrogena Dry Touch - on sun-toasted skin. Classic Dove body wash in my shower, scrubbing it off when it’s all done. Rose and hibiscus hand lotion, as even the most moisturizing soaps crack hands when used eight times a day. Stolen spritzes of my mom’s lemon and bergamot perfume before the precious few times we’ve dined out.

  • The new Taylor Swift album on repeat for a month straight. Spotify’s “Nancy Meyers’ Kitchen” playlist at dinner every night. The Garth channel in my dad’s car, which he has generously shared with me all summer long.

  • Hopping on the boat for sunset cruises or early mornings. Fighting with Bou’s life jacket (she’s gotten braver as the summer has stretched longer, and wants to be in the water if any of us are). Sipping wine or a cocktail out of a Tervis with a lid on. The thrum of the motor and splash of the wake as we drip sweat and savor the breeze, admiring real estate and marveling over the loons on Lake Minnetonka.

  • Late nights and early mornings, a pup who hogs the bed and refuses to sleep unless she is cuddled against as much of my body as possible. The chime of midnight texts and early-morning work emails. Dull rolls and sharp cracks of thunder, accompanied by the light show only a summer storm can produce. Announcing “oh, BIG stretch!” every morning as soon as Bou wakes up, her full-body roll and inchworm across my bedroom floor always the first thing that delights me every day.

  • Summer flavors I only enjoy at home: fresh-picked Minnesota sweet corn, rolled in butter and (my new favorite) everything bagel seasoning. Pretzel buns for chicken and swiss brats. Nectarines, peaches, and tomatoes. Burrata on everything, it seems - Caprese salads, a to-die-for prosciutto and chicken dish, scooped out of a peach salad. A daily smoothie every weekday and a Black Walnut ham and gruyere croissant (accompanied by a Gray Duck iced chai latte, of course) every weekend.

All in all, it’s been a weird and wonderful summer. If anything, this pandemic and the ensuing Minnesota quarantine I’ve been fortunate enough to enjoy have both really made me appreciate the little things - time with my parents, the beauty of outdoor space, the quiet of the suburbs and the sheer expansiveness of the Midwest. I don’t know what the next few months, let alone the next few years, hold for me - but this summer has completely rekindled my love of Minnesota.

A #missschwegreads list for these "uncertain times"

I am a voracious reader - always have been, always will be - and my first instinct when I find myself on uncertain ground is to try to read my way onto more solid footing. I have a maelstrom of thoughts on everything that has transpired in the last few months, but that’s for another time. I’m posting a list of reading resources I’ve seen shared across the internet in the last week of books to help me educate myself, develop a new vocabulary, and immerse myself in a culture, experience and fight that is not intrinsically mine. Hopefully this helps someone - hopefully this helps me.

  • “The Fire Next Time” by James Baldwin

  • “Talking Back: Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black” by Bell Hooks

  • “Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good” by Adrienne Maree Brown

  • “The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorbindness” by Michelle Alexander

  • “Citizen: An American Lyric” by Claudia Rankine

  • “Between the World and Me” by Ta-Nehisi Coates

  • “The Condemnation of Blackness: Race, Crime, and the Making of Modern Urban America” by Khalil Gibran Muhammad

  • “Sister Outsider” by Audre Lorde

  • “Stamped From the Beginning” by Ibram X. Kendi

  • “How to Be an Anti-Racist” also by Ibram X. Kendi

  • “Minor Feelings” by Cathy Park Hong

  • “America’s Original Sin” by Jim Wallis

  • “Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race” by Reni Eddo-Lodge

  • “Good Talk” by Mira Jacob

  • “Blindspot” by Mahzarin R. Banaji and Anthony G. Greenwald

  • “Me and White Supremacy” by Layla F. Saad

  • “So You Want to Talk About Race” by Ijeoma Oluo

  • “How Does It Feel to Be a Problem? Being Young and Arab in America” by Moustafa Bayoumi

  • “The Fire This Time” by Jesmyn Ward

  • “White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo

  • “I’m Still Here” by Austin Channing Brown

  • “When They Call You a Terrorist: a Black Lives Matter Memoir” by Patrisse Cullors and Asha Bandele

  • “An African American and Latinx History of the United States” by Paul Ortiz

  • “An Indigenous People’s History of the United States” by Xanne Dunbar-Ortiz

  • “Mindful of Race” by Ruth King

  • “Just Mercy” by Bryn Stevenson

  • “Tears We Cannot Stop” by Michael Eric Dyson

  • “Have Black Lives Ever Mattered?” by Mumia Abu-Jawal

  • “The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America” by Richard Rothstein

  • “The Warmth of Other Suns” by Isabel Wilkerson

  • “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” by Beverly Daniel Tatum

  • “This Book is Anti-Racist” by Tiffany Jewell

  • “The Great Unlearn” by Rachel Cargle

  • “Rabbit” by Patricia Williams and Jeannine Amber

  • “Wow, No Thank You.” by Samantha Irby

  • “Heavy” by Kiese Laymon

  • “Real Life” by Brandon Taylor

  • “Such a Fun Age” by Kiley Reid

  • “The Yellow House” by Sarah M. Broom

  • “Grand Union” by Zadie Smith. Actually, everything by Zadie Smith.

  • “Homegoing” by Yaa Gyasi

  • “Americanah” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

  • “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” by Maya Angelou

  • “Their Eyes Were Watching God” by Zora Neale Hurston

  • “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” by Peggy McIntosh

Peace, power, glitter, and sunshine.

Crew, I am about to word-vomit all over the page here, so buckle up and hold on tight, it may get bumpy!

I’ve been going to 6am yoga regularly with Anshu, one of my loveliest new friends. While I regularly bemoan the utter misery of getting up “in the fives,” there’s nothing like starting the day off sweating, breathing, and focusing entirely inward for seventy-five minutes to frame up a little extra positivity - especially on Mondays, especially-especially after a particularly fun weekend. So we went today, which felt a bit Herculean given we had spent yesterday in Sonoma drinking copious amounts of wine with friends, and midway through the class, the audio system went out.

I’m not normally one to be picky about my yoga environment. Once upon a time in the halcyon days of 2016 when I lived in Minnesota, my favorite place to practice was outdoors, at sunrise, at the Lake Harriet Bandshell. I’ve been known, though, to make use of a towel on my living room floor or to pop (obnoxiously) into tree pose in line at the grocery store. For some reason though, practicing in silence this morning was unexpected and, at first, threw me off badly. Hearing my labored, utterly anti-zen breathing through a particularly onerous Warrior series kept taking me out of my head…as did a runny nose and lingering anxiety and stress from last night.

Anxiety and stress have felt like two of my closest companions lately, and I’m fighting to learn to live with them hovering just underneath my ribcage, somewhere in the vicinity of my cardiovascular system. There are certain interpersonal situations in my daily life that are making things a bit challenging - finding out coworkers have said shitty things behind my back. Overloading myself at work in the incessant drive to achieve more and perform better. Learning, always learning, to live with others in a way that doesn’t compromise my happiness or well-being…and fighting to retain a sense of self when they hit me hardest where they know (or, maybe don’t even realize) it hurts the most.

I found myself in bed last night with a racing heart and shaking hands, tears almost-but-not-quite spilling over, and needed to take five minutes to breathe and try to re-center - to rationalize myself through an entirely emotional, visceral panic response to a situation over which I had minimal control. As I closed my eyes, I clung tight to something Nazima said yesterday in the car on the way home from Sonoma. In her posh, cut-glass British accent (I die, every time), she said, completely casually, “I feel that if we cut you open - which we’d never do, as we cherish you - we’d find you full of sunshine and glitter. And sugar. Pure sugar, no saccharine.” I’ll confess, at that moment it wasn’t merely residual petit verdot and cabernet warming me up inside. Lately, it’s felt like if I cut myself open, I’d find thorns and stretched-out rubber bands and maybe an entire ocean of salt and bile. Bruised apples and a linear series of paper cuts, just shallow enough to sting. Maybe a deflated balloon or two for good measure.

But I digress.

At yoga this morning, as sweat pooled in every crevice on my body and my breath grew less zen and more “when will this be over,” Nina, our ballet-elegant swan of an instructor, offered up the mantra for the class. For some reason today, it resonated more than they usually do, and I’m not sure if it was the silence or my sheer need that made it stick. She intoned, just as my right thigh completely burned out and I almost fell out of my chair pose, “Stay in your peace, stay in your power.” Quel coup de foudre, or maybe a coup de grace - the kill shot for that maelstrom of sadness and negativity and anxiety I’d been carrying through the first forty-five minutes.

It’s resonated through my head for the ensuing three hours of my day…stay in your peace, stay in your power. Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? STAY in your peace. STAY in your power. It implies that we all innately have both to begin with, and all I have to do is to find that place within me and stay there. Somehow the thought has knit itself together with Nazima’s affirmation from yesterday, and all of a sudden I’m resting in myself in a space of sunshine and glitter, power and peace, lightness and positivity and grace. (Side note: Squarespace appears to not think positivity is a properly-spelled word, and now I’m in my head.) This mental reset, this wellspring of internally-driven agency and serenity, is starting to wash away the temptation to linger in the places where others have hurt me - the fixation on replaying the unkind words, the mocking jabs, and the cavalier silences. Instead, I’m choosing to repeat the uplift that I’ve so generously been offered not once but TWICE in the space of twenty-four hours, by people who had no idea how badly I (consciously or subconsciously) needed it.

Here’s to the good voices, friends. See you in your peace and power, I’ll be over here glittering away in mine. :)

A few pop culture PSAs for your January enjoyment.

Music, TV, books, and recipes that are helping me through the January gloom…yes, Norcal is gloomy, no, this is not me complaining and thus giving you an open invitation to tell me how much worse the weather is in the Midwest ;)

  • The playlist “Nancy Meyers’ Kitchen” on Spotify is an absolute delight and has sparked so much joy for me over the last few days. Lots of oldie goodness from her movies, which I have always found to have utterly charming soundtracks. I’ve played it in my own kitchen, as well as my car and at my desk for close to a week, and it leaves me feeling happy and also like watching “Something’s Gotta Give” and “It’s Complicated” on repeat. (Anyone else kind of hate “Julie and Julia?”)

  • DJ Earworm’s 2019 mashup is actually pretty good this year, but I really loved his Decade in Review. Also worth peeping: his “2009 v 2019” mashups - a fun eleven-minute ride through some true 2010s classics.

  • In the last few weeks, I’ve binged on “Cheer,” “You,” and “Sex Education” on Netlix, “Fleabag” on Amazon (how on EARTH did it take me so long to do this?! It’s utterly luminous!), and…PREPARE TO JUDGE ME…”90 Day Fiancé” on Hulu. Kendra and I are embarrassingly addicted, and it’s got an uncanny way of making me feel so, so good about my personal romantic choices, none of which include falling in love in international chatrooms with language barriers and secret catfishings and hidden sugardaddies. Truly an escapist dream, friends. Coming up next: S3 of “Good Girls,” which premieres in February, along with finishing S3 of “The Crown” and hitting “Mrs. Maisel,” about which I have heard mixed reviews (and am, appropriately, thusly devastated!). Also, throwing it out there, I’m really not loving all the girl-on-girl stupid drama on “The Bachelor” this season, and my picks for top 3 are Madison, Hannah Ann, and Kelley. We’ll see if I’m proven right!

  • Book-wise, I blew through Erin Morgenstern’s “The Starless Sea,” which is a beautiful, lyrical, poetry-adjacent second effort that still can’t rival “The Night Circus” in my pantheon. I also finally got around to devouring “Bad Blood,” John Carreyrou’s fantastic exposé of Elizabeth Holmes’s Theranos fraud. Next up: some professional development reading, starting with “Atomic Habits” by James Clear and “The Checklist Manifesto” by Atul Gawande. And just for fun, probably something by Ruth Reichl…it feels like everyone is reading her these days, and you all know I have terrible literary FOMO.

  • Cooking! I made a fantastic Chicken Florentine casserole for which you can find the recipe on page 27 of this bizarre digital magazine. Sadly, I burned the pine nuts while broiling the Parmesan crust, but I like to think it adds depth of flavor (proving I can do the mental gymnastics to justify absolutely everything). I’m also living on soup lately - enjoying this low-cal tomato basil bisque, and my perennial fallback, Italian chicken quinoa stew.

That’s all - enjoy this ridiculous brain dump :)

2020!

Uh holy what?! How is it 2020 and how have I not written for like six, seven months at this point? That feels a bit ridiculous…eek, who am I and why do I even still pay to host this domain, what am I thinking, AAHHH?!

That said, I am finding myself itching to write a little bit lately, and so, here we have it. A few quick mulls (since it seems that’s all I’m capable of these days) on the turning of a new year, new decade, new everything.

-Work has been positively frenetic for the last three days - an expected side effect of the annual holiday closure, but still a whiplash adjustment after two-plus weeks of total sloth at home and on vacation. I find myself continually thinking of new things I need to do, and starting to wind myself up by mistake when, in reality, stress is counterproductive (especially in this fairly laissez-faire university environment). I’ve got a monogrammed (duh) notebook next to my keyboard now, and I’ve been writing down more manageable lists of goals every day. Ranging from “oh my god you’ve been putting this project off for like a month and a half MAKE PROGRESS” to “drink water, climb stairs, move, loser,” it’s been satisfying and galvanizing to cross off the bulk of a list in a day, for once.

-I went to yoga again on Monday and yesterday, for the first time in a few months (I’ve been nursing a strained wrist and downward dog was NOT my friend)…and oh my lord, did it feel good. Nothing like the delicious, productive soreness of muscles waking up again to continually remind me that I have made great progress on health and fitness this year, but have a LONG way to go.

-Along those lines, I’m making some scattershot New Year’s Resolutions this year, and trying to focus on adding things rather than taking them away. I’ve distilled it down to this at its simplest: “more water, more movement, more cooking, more patience,” and I think that’s going to be short, sweet, memorable and achievable.

-I am, however, privately resolving to stop buying so many damn books…I had a great, prolific, expansive year of reading, but the unfortunate side effect of such a solid year is that I’ve acquired quite a backlog of books in my to-be-read pile. I counted this morning and have forty on my physical bookshelf alone - yes, I have an entire bookshelf dedicated solely to books I haven’t read yet, yes I am aware that is a bit of a problem. That’s not counting the digital backlog I’ve built up between Bookbub, my digital library loans, and my Kindle FirstReads. A few I’m so excited about: The Mars Room, Bad Blood (which I REALLY need to get to), Priestdaddy, and Andrew Yang’s new release, The War on Normal People.

-A few fun things coming down the pipeline: I’m a groomslady in my childhood best friend David’s wedding this June, and his fiancee Kelli and bridesmaid Val are coming out in a couple weeks to shop for bridesmaid dresses and wine-taste and generally misbehave all weekend. The weekend after that, my mama bear comes to town for “Freestyle Love Supreme,” “Cinderella” at the SF Ballet, and a Michelin-starred dinner at SPQR…I’ve already drooled over their menu multiple times, ugh.

And with that, work! Hi! Looking forward to hopefully doing more of this in 2020!